


I'm sorry, Erwin

by Rinrinreira



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Gen, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-19 20:23:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17008584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rinrinreira/pseuds/Rinrinreira





	I'm sorry, Erwin

The whisky bottle is almost empty, but Levi is still wide awake. The room is spinning but sleep is evading him. It's during peaceful nights like this that his mind is the most tumultuous. He drains the last mouthful, savoring the woody aroma that fills him and the slight burn as it goes down his throat.

He rests his face on the wooden desk, trying to stop the spinning of the room as he looks aimlessly out the window. He could almost lose himself in the soft, beautiful glow of the full moon and forget the reason for his sorrow. The torment remains but being freed from his racing thoughts is a salve for his soul.

Only when his thoughts quieten do his tears fall. He lets the grief wash over him, wrenching wrecked sobs from him, almost cleansing in their wake. His face becomes wet from where it's lying on the desk in a puddle of his tears.

In the moment of clarity he gets from the silence of the chaos in his inebriated mind, he recognizes the source of his agony. His tempestuous mind is torn between the governing principle that Erwin has instilled in his life to never regret his choices, and the guilt that is threatening to overwhelm him even as he tries desperately to ignore it. He turns to hide his face in the crook of his elbow and lets out an anguished cry.

_“I sent you to your death twice. I robbed you of your chance to fulfill your lifetime desire. What have I done, Erwin?”_

Loud sobs escape him uncontrollably, not giving him a chance to even draw breath. The room is spinning dangerously now, and his vision goes black as nausea wells suddenly in his stomach. He forces himself to stop, gulping in a large breath of air violently as he grips the desk tightly. He pushes the nausea away, cold sweat pouring down his face from the effort as he tries to take deep even breaths.

The room stills and all that are left are his remorse and guilt. “ _For all the years we spent together, I'm sorry I did not realize how strong a hold your demon had over you. If I had seen you more as a vulnerable person than my guiding light in this rotten world, could I have saved you then?”_

Levi stays unmoving, head heavy on the desk as the question that he can no longer answer reverberates in his mind. He doesn't know how much time has passed when he finally pushes himself up, disgusted by the cooling tears on his face. Wiping his face on his sleeve, he stands, turning to look out the window again as he grips the windowsill to steady himself. The moon is starting to fade as the sun starts to rise for yet another day, casting light on all the world outside.

_“I'm sorry Erwin, I'm sorry I loved you in such a selfish way.”_

His own heart remains cold and dark, untouched even by the sun's blinding rays.

_“But at the end, I abandoned my own feelings twice, for humanity and for you… have I done well, Erwin? Did I meet the expectations you had of me when you pulled me from the underground all those years ago?”_

As he takes in a breath of warm air in the rising dawn, it doesn't melt his sorrow but it clears the fog in his mind.

_“Are you at peace now, Erwin? Because I'm not. But if you are finally free from this cruel world, I will bear the pain and carry on. For the years we met, you gave my life meaning. I will hold on to this gift and go on till I join you some day.”_

 

 


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